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雅思写作练习评析

发布:北京澳际学校  发布时间:2011-06-22 13:33:06
平时外教会给大家进行写作的批改,都会指出大家常犯的错误以及应该改进的地方,有些同学可能并不太注重,其实把外教指出的问题改进了,对大家的写作会有巨大的帮助。这里拿一篇剑八的第一套TASK2的写作练习来做例子,说明外教的批改内容。
  题目是:
  Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
  Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
  练习文章及批改如下:
  In the growth (development) of a child, plenty of people play important role in the whole process and influence them in different ways. Some people insist parents be the guiders in moulding their behavior, while others argue that this task should be fulfilled by the school. Based on my perception, both sides matter much to these children.
  In terms of parenting, there are natural advantages for the parents to teach the children, because they just have the only child to care under the policy of birth control in China (举例子可以用中国来举例,但是一般论述的时候不应将范围只限制在中国). They can spend their leisure time and energy educating the only child, so that te children is able to receive enough education and love which encourages them to be brave, open and confident, with good manners. Another good point the parents enjoy is that they live with their children everyday, and they can affect the children in every daily affairs. They can plant the mode of reasonable thinking and behavior into the children's minds in order to expose the children to the basic rules of the society.
  School also means a lot to the growing up (development) of the children. First, environment is of essential meaning to the students. I have heard of an ancient story, which is about the three movements of Mengzi's mother. When Mengzi was very young, his mother moved to new houses near a butcher and so on (雅思写作里不可以用and so on这种较随意的口语表达方式),but she found it was not beneficial to Mengzi, so she finally moved to the neighbourhood of a private school called "Sishu" in the past, which enables Mengzi to become an academic celebrity. (此处例子并未阐述清楚,为什么搬家了就成了学术名家了呢?此处可换成after their moving near the school, Mengzi started to imitate the behavior of the students in the school and read a lot of books. his hard working enables him to become an academic celebrity.)Second, the children are free to learn to get along with groups of people, comprised of classmates, teachers and others. They can improve the abilities of communicating with others and dealing with daily conflicts.
  To sum up, parents and schools are of equal importance to the growing up (development) of the children, and we should balance these two sides to optimize both effects.
  从文章结构来看,基本完成题目所要求的任务;连贯性做的还好;词汇和语法基本可以满足论述需要,有部分口语化的表达和中式英语的词汇;很明显的不足之处在于孟母三迁的例子阐述的不够清楚,论据不充分并不足以证明表需表述的观点。
  从文章的批改可以看出,我们在文章阐述过程中,应关注基本要求,如文章结构、连贯性、词汇和语法的正确性,以及论述过程中的论点是否清晰、论据是否充分清楚并足以支持论点。而不应在基础还没有做好的情况下去单纯地追求高级词汇和复杂句型。
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